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[Telegraph] Beep-be-beep-beep-beeeeep-be-beep-beep-be-beep. “We interrupt your regularly scheduled holiday activities for these important Chinese announcements”:

“This just in…the city-wide basketball tournament taking place at the Bilingual and Arts School has come to a close. After 5 days of intense battles, each of the 6 teams playing the other once a day, it was a close call to see who came in first. This is the third annual competition sponsored by KunLun Oil company of Karamay, and it has had its share of surprises. The most surprising? This is the first time in company history that an American has taken part in this competition. That’s right, folks, he was American and he was tall. All during the tournament cries of “Tai gao le!” (Trans: “He’s just too tall!”) could be heard echoing through the gym by both spectators and players. Another bit of news in this tournament was the addition of an American spectator – a rarity in local sports- a woman who cheered relentlessly and appeared to be married to the American player, although all of our sources confirm that they look far too young to be married. More on this as information comes.

As most of you know by now, the American’s team came in a very close second place, losing to the first place team by a mere 5 points on Saturday night. What makes this even more impressive is looking at his supporting cast, a team which plays quite well yet is advanced in years (most over 40 years old) and can’t stop smoking during time-outs and breaks. During the closing ceremony the young American was awarded the MVP award for his team, an award which included a certificate as well as a cash prize! When asked what he might do with his cash prize, the American retorted, “If I can find my size shoe, which right now seems like a losing battle in this small-footed city, I might get me some new basketball shoes!” Good luck, my friend. Good luck.

This weekend was capped off by a celebration banquet where each team, regardless of tournament placement, was awarded enough money to treat themselves to tons of food and way too much alcohol. Our sources inside the restaurant tell us that the Americans only drank coke, but we’re almost certain it must have been spiked, although no proof of this claim has been found, because no person in their right mind would celebrate without at least a little bit of alcohol. Food was eaten, toasts were made (the American man even toasted in Chinese!), and happiness was shared by friends of all nationalities. All in all, this was another successful Chinese basketball tournament.

In other quick, yet equally important news, homemade Christmas cards have been seen circulating around Karamay recently. As you well know, this sort of craft is unheard of in China, and Christmas – although recognized – is not quite a national holiday here. Apparently its creator, probably of western decent, used some sort of tool to mass produce these cards which look too nice to be hand drawn, yet too personal too be machine-made. A rumor has made its rounds using the word “stamps”, but we have yet to identify its meaning. They have come in two forms so far – either as a Christmas card or a tag on a Christmas present. If you happen to find one, be careful! These pieces are of limited supply and therefore have become quite valuable.

As we come to a close of our news flash, we solicited one last comment from our American friends who have provided us with much entertainment this last week. We were hoping for something about the basketball tournament or perhaps this mysterious Christmas card news, but instead they gave us this: “We really miss our families and friends right now. We hope that they all have a wonderful Christmas and know that we love them and think about them often.” On behalf of this news team we also wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!”

“And now back to your regularly scheduled holiday programming.” Beep-be-beep-beep-beeep-be-be-beep…………