FAKE NEWS ALERT:
Xinjiang residents are on full alert this week after news leaked of the most recent attempt to sabotage regional stability. Although tensions have been high following a few explosive incidents in early 2008, Xinjiang officials are now scrambling to find countermeasures for this novel form of attack…a destructive army of caterpillars.
The attack originated in the small town of Wusu (乌苏), 280km west of the capital of Urumqi, a city most well-known for its creatively named beer – “Wusu Beer”.
Officials who were called in from both the provincial and national levels to assess the situation were first given a tour of the beer manufacturing plant before heading to the pastureland. When asked their thoughts about this latest attack, one official commented, “At least the caterpillars didn’t get the beer factory.”
The massive offensive was unleashed by unidentified enemies on the Wusu grasslands where the legions of caterpillars numbering 3,000 per square meter marched forward.
Adopting military tactics similar to those used in World War II they have left nothing in their wake but barren waste land forcing more than 50 families and 20,000 of their livestock to run for greener pastures.
Said one local woman who refused to flee the devastation, “They just ravaged through out land without a care for who was living here. We’re just innocent civilians caught in the middle of this ordeal.”
Unlike previously similar attacks, Xinjiang’s own army of chickens and ducks – which normally demolish rogue worm battalions – ran away unsure of what to make of these odd-looking creatures. Instead, a division of Beijing’s best pesticide tanks were sent to the front lines where over the past 9 days they have valiantly been reclaiming the territory for the motherland. A total of over 8,000 hectares had been destroyed.
Further research on the deceased bodies of the invaders will be necessary to decide exactly who they were and where they came from.